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FIC: The North Pole Revisited (LOTR)
Title: The North Pole Revisited
Series: Elflords: On Assignment
Author: Alex (alex_cat_45@yahoo.com)
Type: FCSlash
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own the LOTR characters nor do I own Santa. Ralph, Jeanette and Bethany are mine.
Warnings: Silliness.
Beta: Larian Elensar
Pairing: Various
Archive: OEAM
Author’s Note: More silliness.
Spoilers: None.
Summary: The Elflords make another trip out of town!
~~~
THE NORTH POLE REVISITED
Lord Celeborn was bored. Really seriously bored. He had not had an adventure in quite some time. Every day was wake up, go to the bathing pool, find someone to pass the morning with, eat brunch with Galadriel, hear about Arwen, find someone to pass the afternoon with, eat dinner with Galadriel, hear about Arwen, listen to Galadriel talk about how hard it was to wield a ring of power, sleep, wake up and do it all again.
He needed an adventure and he thought he knew one he could go on. He summoned two of his Galadhrim to go to Mirkwood and Imladris with messages for Thranduil, Elrond, Glorfindel and a note NOT to let Erestor come along.
Then he sent another Galadhrim out with a note for Gandalf.
//Dear Gandalf,
As I am bored, I have written to Jeanette Claus at the North Pole and volunteered myself and the other elflords for elf duty this year. She said she’d love to have me… us, and that we should contact the same tube that brought us last year. Could you arrange this?
Celeborn//
A week went by then two and Celeborn almost forgot about his notes until he received answers from everyone …well, sort of anyway.
Thranduil sent a note saying simply: //You’re crazy. Yes. When? //
The note from Imladris was in the familiar perfect script of the old scarecrow, Erestor himself.
//Celeborn,
Who do you think opens the letters that come here? Well, they will be there with bells on… and so shall I. I need a vacation!
Erestor//
The letter from Gandalf was 9 pages long but finally down toward the end it said: //Oh yes, the plane will be ready in two days time. Go to the open field out toward Rohan.
G.//
No one was quite sure how they all got ready and met the tube—plane but they did and were at the North Pole in a few hours.
Celeborn was expecting Jeanette to pick them up in the Range Rover but instead, a grumpy fellow named Ralph the Elf picked them up. Ralph seemed so intent on looking at Lord Elrond that he forgot to look where he was going and he ran them into a snow bank. They had to borrow Erestor’s cell phone (Erestor was quite surprised that he had one!) to call Santa to send some help.
Santa was as jolly as usual. He met them at the door with Jeanette at his side. What a surprise to see her as round as Santa himself but hers was not too much chocolate pudding. Hers was a little Claus. She winked at Celeborn when his eyes widened.
Thranduil had been rather subdued so far, perhaps because Glorfindel’s mouth had been fastened to his for most of the trip. Glorfindel had been back in Imladris since spring and they had missed one another.
Erestor was just staring. Evidently the North Pole was even more incredible than the home of the Easter Bunny. Elrond was watching him and didn’t notice that Ralph the Elf was even close-by until he had a handful of his ass grabbed by a disgruntled elf.
“What?” Elrond jumped and tried the Eyebrow of Doom but Ralph just sighed at him like a lovesick puppy. Oh boy! Gandalf noticed and winked at him. The wizard was evil, pure evil, Elrond thought as he stuck his tongue out in a dignified way, of course.
Santa guided them all toward his house. It was close to dinnertime and the cook had prepared a feast in honor of the elflords’ arrival. Santa was always up for a bit of feasting. Perhaps he was the distant kin of Bilbo Baggins.
They feasted on roasted turkey and ham, with potatoes, gravy, lots of vegetables, and pumpkin pie. The ale flowed generously and after dinner, Santa and Gandalf slipped out to smoke a bit of pipe weed. Erestor was getting concerned. Celeborn was sitting beside Mrs. Claus, feeding her bits of turkey and cooing at her. Thranduil was playing with Glorfindel’s thigh under the table. And Elrond was discussing sleigh driving with Ralph the Elf.
Erestor drank another glass of the curious tasting ale and watched everyone. Lord Celeborn sure was a handsome old thing, wasn’t he? Perhaps he should inquire about his flask sometime.
Everyone made his way to bed eventually except Elrond. The last anyone had seen of him, he was walking toward the barn with Ralph the Elf. Erestor was very concerned. But then Elrond had always been fond of wee folk. Just look at his fondness for those annoying little hobbits!
Imagine Erestor’s surprise when Lord Celeborn slipped into his narrow bed and guided his hand under the covers.
“Want to feel my flask?” The old rogue asked as his tongue did things to Erestor’s ear that he was pretty sure Elrond did not know how to do. Erestor did want to feel that flask and once he did, he kept feeling until morning, when they finally drifted off to sleep.
“Ho, ho, ho!” was not a welcome sound, especially since it came from Thranduil somewhere on the other side of the room. Erestor and Celeborn found their way to breakfast, leaving the ho-ho-ers alone. Elrond was there, smiling like no one had seen since Gildor had dressed like a harem girl at the summer festival a few years ago.
“He is behaving shamelessly!” Erestor hissed.
Celeborn laughed and pointed to Erestor’s robes, which were inside out. The counselor changed colors and sank into his seat, hoping no one noticed.
“THERE THEY ARE, THRANDUIL!” Glorfindel had made his appearance with the smiling King of Mirkwood in tow. “I THINK THEY PLAYED HIDE THE FLASK LAST NIGHT! LOOK AT ERESTOR’S CLOTHES.”
Erestor sunk a little farther into his chair.
The banter all stopped when Santa and Gandalf showed up. Jeanette was resting and would eat in her rooms. They had a hearty breakfast. Most of them would need it. It was Christmas Eve, after all.
Since the elves were back at work this year, the elflords were going to stay at the North Pole and help there. Gandalf was going to ride with Santa, making all wonder if smoking pipe weed was all they had done late into the night. Especially after noticing the way the old wizard’s eyes twinkled when he looked at the jolly old elf… or well, old something.
The day was filled with bustling elves, large and small, and busy with sleighs and packages. It seemed they would not make their deadline but as usual, they did and all the sleighs were airborne at the right time.
Thranduil and Glorfindel were counting… something in one of the warehouses and Elrond was mooning around because Ralph was one of the sleigh drivers. Celeborn was behaving very well for Celeborn. He only pinched Erestor’s bottom a few times and then only when no one was looking.
No one was paying much attention when a tiny, tiny little elf came into the warehouse. She had to tug at Celeborn’s hand for several minutes before he actually noticed her.
“My lord, Lady Jeanette says it’s time.”
“Time?” Celeborn’s blank look was a fairly normal look for him. “Time for what?”
“The baby.”
“Time for the baby to what?”
Erestor was listening by now and while Celeborn was slow on the uptake, he wasn’t.
“Mrs. Claus is about to have her baby, Celeborn!”
Thankfully, Elrond was walking close enough to hear this last bit. He knew what to do. Panic!
After a few minutes of hand wringing, he turned to the small elf.
“Was she supposed to have the baby here or…?”
“No sir, it isn’t due for another week and Mr. Santa was going to take her down to a human village in Alaska to have the baby.”
Elrond ran his hand through his hair nervously.
“It’s been a long time since I delivered a baby…”
The tiny little elf did not need any more encouragement. She had dragged Elrond halfway to the house. The others followed.
“I CAN DELIVER BABIES!” Glorfindel declared to no one in particular while Thranduil just patted his bottom and smiled at Elrond a lot.
They all trooped into the house and up to Mrs. Claus’ room. She was a bit shocked to see all of them but she was a gracious person even now and she smiled and reached for Celeborn’s hand.
“May I?” Elrond asked, his face as red as Santa’s hat. She nodded. Elrond’s eyes widened. It looked as if Santa Junior would be here very soon. He almost jumped out of his skin when he heard two loud crashes behind him. The two blond elflords were out cold.
Erestor decided this would be a good opportunity to learn about humans.
Jeanette grabbed Celeborn’s hand and screamed. “All men should be castrated when they are booorrrrnnnn.”
Celeborn was brave and held her hand even though it felt like she was breaking his fingers. Erestor hung about and jotted down notes, stepping over Thranduil and Glorfindel when he needed to go to the other side.
The tiny little elf, who said her name was Bethany, helped Elrond and she was very good at it too. She had whatever he needed ready when he asked for it. Her only problem was that she was smaller than a hobbit so she climbed up on a footstool…then she dragged a chair over and finally she just jumped up on the bed beside Jeanette to wipe Elrond’s brow. He smiled and thanked her. A good assistant was hard to find, no matter her size.
Erestor was making notes and looking at his pad, making sure he got that oddly combined expletive that spewed out of Mrs. Claus’ mouth a few seconds before.
Suddenly he dropped his pad and watched as the tiny little head appeared, followed quickly by a tiny little body. Even the blonds on the floor began to stir as the youngest Claus made his appearance early on Christmas morning. The tiny child cried his first cries, loud and lusty. He laid him on his mother’s breast, smiling.
Jeanette smiled weakly. “I suppose I should have warned you that all Claus babies are born on Christmas day.”
Celeborn kissed her cheek and left her in the care of tiny Bethany and Elrond as he herded the other three to the dining hall for some coffee and an early breakfast. They greeted the sleighs as they came in from their last deliveries at dawn.
Celeborn met Santa and gave him the news. The little man’s face it up like… well, a Christmas tree. He rushed to check on his wife and son as the elves all went to their quarters for some much needed rest.
Erestor was a bit surprised when Celeborn guided him to his bed. He smiled as he snuggled close into the Silver Tree’s arms. Celeborn might not be the smartest of elves but he had other very nice assets too.
Elrond came in late. He looked at the other four, who were sleeping soundly then beckoned to someone at the door. Ralph the Elf slipped into the room and out of his clothes. It was a while before he and Elrond slept.
**
The day after Christmas was bright and clear. The silver tube had come to take them home. All were surprised at the tearful goodbye between Elrond and Santa’s head elf. Santa gave each one a hug as they got on the plane.
Soon they were on their way back home.
Elrond sat with Gandalf, as the others seemed a bit busy.
“I sure hope Celeborn doesn’t get bored again soon.” Elrond ran a tired hand over his face.
“Why?”
“Because I do not want to deliver baby bunnies this year! One human baby was enough.”
Gandalf laughed. “Maybe this year, *you’ll* get the bunny ears!”
Elrond just shook his head.
~the end~
maybe… who knows where the old rogues will turn up!
Series: Elflords: On Assignment
Author: Alex (alex_cat_45@yahoo.com)
Type: FCSlash
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own the LOTR characters nor do I own Santa. Ralph, Jeanette and Bethany are mine.
Warnings: Silliness.
Beta: Larian Elensar
Pairing: Various
Archive: OEAM
Author’s Note: More silliness.
Spoilers: None.
Summary: The Elflords make another trip out of town!
~~~
THE NORTH POLE REVISITED
Lord Celeborn was bored. Really seriously bored. He had not had an adventure in quite some time. Every day was wake up, go to the bathing pool, find someone to pass the morning with, eat brunch with Galadriel, hear about Arwen, find someone to pass the afternoon with, eat dinner with Galadriel, hear about Arwen, listen to Galadriel talk about how hard it was to wield a ring of power, sleep, wake up and do it all again.
He needed an adventure and he thought he knew one he could go on. He summoned two of his Galadhrim to go to Mirkwood and Imladris with messages for Thranduil, Elrond, Glorfindel and a note NOT to let Erestor come along.
Then he sent another Galadhrim out with a note for Gandalf.
//Dear Gandalf,
As I am bored, I have written to Jeanette Claus at the North Pole and volunteered myself and the other elflords for elf duty this year. She said she’d love to have me… us, and that we should contact the same tube that brought us last year. Could you arrange this?
Celeborn//
A week went by then two and Celeborn almost forgot about his notes until he received answers from everyone …well, sort of anyway.
Thranduil sent a note saying simply: //You’re crazy. Yes. When? //
The note from Imladris was in the familiar perfect script of the old scarecrow, Erestor himself.
//Celeborn,
Who do you think opens the letters that come here? Well, they will be there with bells on… and so shall I. I need a vacation!
Erestor//
The letter from Gandalf was 9 pages long but finally down toward the end it said: //Oh yes, the plane will be ready in two days time. Go to the open field out toward Rohan.
G.//
No one was quite sure how they all got ready and met the tube—plane but they did and were at the North Pole in a few hours.
Celeborn was expecting Jeanette to pick them up in the Range Rover but instead, a grumpy fellow named Ralph the Elf picked them up. Ralph seemed so intent on looking at Lord Elrond that he forgot to look where he was going and he ran them into a snow bank. They had to borrow Erestor’s cell phone (Erestor was quite surprised that he had one!) to call Santa to send some help.
Santa was as jolly as usual. He met them at the door with Jeanette at his side. What a surprise to see her as round as Santa himself but hers was not too much chocolate pudding. Hers was a little Claus. She winked at Celeborn when his eyes widened.
Thranduil had been rather subdued so far, perhaps because Glorfindel’s mouth had been fastened to his for most of the trip. Glorfindel had been back in Imladris since spring and they had missed one another.
Erestor was just staring. Evidently the North Pole was even more incredible than the home of the Easter Bunny. Elrond was watching him and didn’t notice that Ralph the Elf was even close-by until he had a handful of his ass grabbed by a disgruntled elf.
“What?” Elrond jumped and tried the Eyebrow of Doom but Ralph just sighed at him like a lovesick puppy. Oh boy! Gandalf noticed and winked at him. The wizard was evil, pure evil, Elrond thought as he stuck his tongue out in a dignified way, of course.
Santa guided them all toward his house. It was close to dinnertime and the cook had prepared a feast in honor of the elflords’ arrival. Santa was always up for a bit of feasting. Perhaps he was the distant kin of Bilbo Baggins.
They feasted on roasted turkey and ham, with potatoes, gravy, lots of vegetables, and pumpkin pie. The ale flowed generously and after dinner, Santa and Gandalf slipped out to smoke a bit of pipe weed. Erestor was getting concerned. Celeborn was sitting beside Mrs. Claus, feeding her bits of turkey and cooing at her. Thranduil was playing with Glorfindel’s thigh under the table. And Elrond was discussing sleigh driving with Ralph the Elf.
Erestor drank another glass of the curious tasting ale and watched everyone. Lord Celeborn sure was a handsome old thing, wasn’t he? Perhaps he should inquire about his flask sometime.
Everyone made his way to bed eventually except Elrond. The last anyone had seen of him, he was walking toward the barn with Ralph the Elf. Erestor was very concerned. But then Elrond had always been fond of wee folk. Just look at his fondness for those annoying little hobbits!
Imagine Erestor’s surprise when Lord Celeborn slipped into his narrow bed and guided his hand under the covers.
“Want to feel my flask?” The old rogue asked as his tongue did things to Erestor’s ear that he was pretty sure Elrond did not know how to do. Erestor did want to feel that flask and once he did, he kept feeling until morning, when they finally drifted off to sleep.
“Ho, ho, ho!” was not a welcome sound, especially since it came from Thranduil somewhere on the other side of the room. Erestor and Celeborn found their way to breakfast, leaving the ho-ho-ers alone. Elrond was there, smiling like no one had seen since Gildor had dressed like a harem girl at the summer festival a few years ago.
“He is behaving shamelessly!” Erestor hissed.
Celeborn laughed and pointed to Erestor’s robes, which were inside out. The counselor changed colors and sank into his seat, hoping no one noticed.
“THERE THEY ARE, THRANDUIL!” Glorfindel had made his appearance with the smiling King of Mirkwood in tow. “I THINK THEY PLAYED HIDE THE FLASK LAST NIGHT! LOOK AT ERESTOR’S CLOTHES.”
Erestor sunk a little farther into his chair.
The banter all stopped when Santa and Gandalf showed up. Jeanette was resting and would eat in her rooms. They had a hearty breakfast. Most of them would need it. It was Christmas Eve, after all.
Since the elves were back at work this year, the elflords were going to stay at the North Pole and help there. Gandalf was going to ride with Santa, making all wonder if smoking pipe weed was all they had done late into the night. Especially after noticing the way the old wizard’s eyes twinkled when he looked at the jolly old elf… or well, old something.
The day was filled with bustling elves, large and small, and busy with sleighs and packages. It seemed they would not make their deadline but as usual, they did and all the sleighs were airborne at the right time.
Thranduil and Glorfindel were counting… something in one of the warehouses and Elrond was mooning around because Ralph was one of the sleigh drivers. Celeborn was behaving very well for Celeborn. He only pinched Erestor’s bottom a few times and then only when no one was looking.
No one was paying much attention when a tiny, tiny little elf came into the warehouse. She had to tug at Celeborn’s hand for several minutes before he actually noticed her.
“My lord, Lady Jeanette says it’s time.”
“Time?” Celeborn’s blank look was a fairly normal look for him. “Time for what?”
“The baby.”
“Time for the baby to what?”
Erestor was listening by now and while Celeborn was slow on the uptake, he wasn’t.
“Mrs. Claus is about to have her baby, Celeborn!”
Thankfully, Elrond was walking close enough to hear this last bit. He knew what to do. Panic!
After a few minutes of hand wringing, he turned to the small elf.
“Was she supposed to have the baby here or…?”
“No sir, it isn’t due for another week and Mr. Santa was going to take her down to a human village in Alaska to have the baby.”
Elrond ran his hand through his hair nervously.
“It’s been a long time since I delivered a baby…”
The tiny little elf did not need any more encouragement. She had dragged Elrond halfway to the house. The others followed.
“I CAN DELIVER BABIES!” Glorfindel declared to no one in particular while Thranduil just patted his bottom and smiled at Elrond a lot.
They all trooped into the house and up to Mrs. Claus’ room. She was a bit shocked to see all of them but she was a gracious person even now and she smiled and reached for Celeborn’s hand.
“May I?” Elrond asked, his face as red as Santa’s hat. She nodded. Elrond’s eyes widened. It looked as if Santa Junior would be here very soon. He almost jumped out of his skin when he heard two loud crashes behind him. The two blond elflords were out cold.
Erestor decided this would be a good opportunity to learn about humans.
Jeanette grabbed Celeborn’s hand and screamed. “All men should be castrated when they are booorrrrnnnn.”
Celeborn was brave and held her hand even though it felt like she was breaking his fingers. Erestor hung about and jotted down notes, stepping over Thranduil and Glorfindel when he needed to go to the other side.
The tiny little elf, who said her name was Bethany, helped Elrond and she was very good at it too. She had whatever he needed ready when he asked for it. Her only problem was that she was smaller than a hobbit so she climbed up on a footstool…then she dragged a chair over and finally she just jumped up on the bed beside Jeanette to wipe Elrond’s brow. He smiled and thanked her. A good assistant was hard to find, no matter her size.
Erestor was making notes and looking at his pad, making sure he got that oddly combined expletive that spewed out of Mrs. Claus’ mouth a few seconds before.
Suddenly he dropped his pad and watched as the tiny little head appeared, followed quickly by a tiny little body. Even the blonds on the floor began to stir as the youngest Claus made his appearance early on Christmas morning. The tiny child cried his first cries, loud and lusty. He laid him on his mother’s breast, smiling.
Jeanette smiled weakly. “I suppose I should have warned you that all Claus babies are born on Christmas day.”
Celeborn kissed her cheek and left her in the care of tiny Bethany and Elrond as he herded the other three to the dining hall for some coffee and an early breakfast. They greeted the sleighs as they came in from their last deliveries at dawn.
Celeborn met Santa and gave him the news. The little man’s face it up like… well, a Christmas tree. He rushed to check on his wife and son as the elves all went to their quarters for some much needed rest.
Erestor was a bit surprised when Celeborn guided him to his bed. He smiled as he snuggled close into the Silver Tree’s arms. Celeborn might not be the smartest of elves but he had other very nice assets too.
Elrond came in late. He looked at the other four, who were sleeping soundly then beckoned to someone at the door. Ralph the Elf slipped into the room and out of his clothes. It was a while before he and Elrond slept.
**
The day after Christmas was bright and clear. The silver tube had come to take them home. All were surprised at the tearful goodbye between Elrond and Santa’s head elf. Santa gave each one a hug as they got on the plane.
Soon they were on their way back home.
Elrond sat with Gandalf, as the others seemed a bit busy.
“I sure hope Celeborn doesn’t get bored again soon.” Elrond ran a tired hand over his face.
“Why?”
“Because I do not want to deliver baby bunnies this year! One human baby was enough.”
Gandalf laughed. “Maybe this year, *you’ll* get the bunny ears!”
Elrond just shook his head.
~the end~
maybe… who knows where the old rogues will turn up!